Childhood Cancer is Pure Evil

Now I usually do not start with such bold and confronting title. However, this last week and especially these last few days, we have seen the true evil face of childhood cancer and the treatment thereof. Over the past year we have seen Saskia in pain, in all kinds of discomfort and begging it to be over. We have always managed to sooth her pain or make her more comfortable. She always managed to pick herself up after a while and bring back that beautiful smile of hers. But the last few days showed us that those pains were nothing compared to what she has to endure now.
Last week she received her most heaviest dose of chemo. It was targeted at her bonemarrow and it sure worked: her immune system got wiped out. We never take real note of our immune system, but it is constantly at work. Saskia was allowed home last Friday although she was very weak. She could hardly keep anything in her stomach, but insisted on going home. She tried her hardest to keep something in, but nothing worked.
On Saturday she pleaded to get back to hospital as she could not take it any longer. Since then her body has slowly stopped repairing certain common damages. Ulcers have appeared in her mouth and extent all the way down to her stomach, her throat is soar and raw from all the vomitting, blisters on her tongue, which start to bleed, blood in her urine, her stool and every part of her body just aches and aches. And on top of all that pain and agony, her body 'decided' it was time to become a woman. This should have been her special time, but because her body cannot heal, it caused great additional pain and agony.
When she wakes up, she needs to vomit, thereafter she cries herself to sleep. Nothing seems to calm her down. Fevers are coming and going. She is now on constant pain relief which she can dose herself by pressing a button. In order to still give her body the desperate energy it needs, she is on liquid food. She gets daily platelet transfusions to try to support her immune system.
The treating doctors say that her symtoms are common for this part of the treatment. It will take anywhere up to two weeks, before her own body has found the right balance again.

There a few moments of respite. She feels comfortable when Melanie hugs her to sleep or rubs her back, or I massage her head or read stories to her, keep my hand on her stomack, but for now, those moments are few only.
It hurts so much seeing your own child going through all this. We need to be strong for her, so we swallow our tears and smile the warmest and most re-assuring smile to her and we tell her that everything will be alright in the end.

But the truth is that we want to be hugged to sleep as well. But God seems so far away. But then when we need it most, He re-assures us:  "In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

And we do take heart.