We have been relatively easy cruising after the first treatment. Saskia was sick for a couple of days, some hair loss, but nothing major. We all went out, saw some movies, went to the zoo; Saskia had sleep-overs and friends did stay over. Our lives continued as if nothing was changed.
But then last week all this changed, back into reality it was. The first signs were early in the week when Saskia's hair got really thin. Melanie managed to get it into one plat, but we knew that this would only last for one or two more days.
Then on Thursday she had to go for her second lot of chemo. Saskia was sooo not looking forward to this one as it was also the first day of school after the holidays. She was sooo looking forward to this day and then to have it ruined by this treatment was just not on.
I think it was one of her longest days so far. I went with her in the early morning to the hospital, while Melanie took care of the other three. Mel took over in hospital around 10am and was only home with Saskia at 9pm. Saskia was very tired, but felt reasonably ok. We expected one, maybe two days of Saskia being sick, but it lasted until today. She did not just feel sick, she did have and still has pain as well. The nurses warned us for this. The more advanced in the treatment, the less the body can actually cope and the longer it will last before Saskia will feel a bit better again. They advised us even to get a wheelchair as the walking would eventually be too painful and would be tiring her out.
Suddenly we realised that the following months will not be a period with just feeling a bit "off". It will be hard, both for her and the rest. Saskia's hair dropped off so suddenly on Friday that it all freaked us out. When she complained about the pain in her stomach and her legs, when she was emptying her stomach nearly every half hour and when she was crying that it all hurt soo much, then suddenly you realise that there is absolutely nothing that you can do, that there are no words of comfort to make it all easier. All you can do is hold her.
Pyrene and Arjen are still too young to really understand what is happening. That gives them the opportunity to be really honest in what they say and do without getting a rebuke. Pyrene made a while back a rap-song called "my sister has cancer, oh yeah", absolutely hilarious and we all just rolled on the floor laughing. And Arjen made us all cry with passion when he went to Saskia the other day with a mirror to show her how he saw her: really beautiful.
Marcel understands very well what is happening and he has his moments. He is lucky to have so many good friends who turn his attention to other important things like soccer. He is getting really good at it and was adamant that he needed to score a goal for Saskia. He did last Saturday!
Mel and I of course have our moments as well. We sometimes feel so lost and lonely. Although we do know that this cancer is treatable as the doctors keep reminding us, it is soooo not easy to see your own flesh and blood getting so sick from the medication that is supposed to safe her. Her body needs to be broken down, before it can be rebuild. And that is the hard part.
Yes, we do read the bible and yes we do pray and yes we are surrounded by fellow Christians, but that does not mean that it brings relief. We just have to accept and have faith and that is what we do.
Saskia has accepted only today that she is really sick. Only today she was able to smile again and only today she allowed me to post a photo of her bold head.
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